In the AU
by Idle Pessimist
Summary: Sora, Riku, and Kairi return to Destiny Islands and encounter their most dangerous enemy yet: AU versions of themselves.
1. Dazed and Confused

Author's Note: So is it just me, or are all the half-baked, cliched AUs that plague the Kingdom Hearts section of this site getting really, really old? Out of the frustration of leafing through hundreds of these stories just to find decent ones, I decided to write this parody.

While I prefer canon stories, I don't want people to think I'm bashing AUs in general. I've read several that have been so amazing that they've positively floored me. What I'm parodying is the overused plot and lazy, stereotyped characterization that tends to go along with the majority of high school AUs. Hell, even high school AUs can be incredible if executed properly. Unfortunately, more often than not, they fall into the same patterns over and over again.

Anyway, here's the first chapter. I'll get off my soapbox now.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the wonderful world of Kingdom Hearts.

* * *

**Chapter One: Dazed and Confused**

"I'm so glad we're finally going home," Kairi sighed. She glanced out the window of the Gummi ship as Destiny Islands came into view. "I know it's only been a month, but I'm sure our parents are worried sick."

Sora laughed bitterly. Ah, the parents… The thought of seeing them again terrified him. They had left as soon as Donald and Goofy arrived, knowing full well that their parents would not have voluntarily let them leave. They were only needed to clear some lingering Heartless at Disney Castle, but the task had taken longer than they had expected. At seventeen, Sora was sure his parents were terrified for his well-being. Even though he was older, he was still under their control for another year. Sora sensed a grounding in his immediate future. Oh well, that seemed to happen a lot these days.

"I'm sure your parents will be fine, Kairi," said Donald. "Goofy and I can explain what happened."

Riku laughed from his stance at the window. "Yeah, remember how well it went over the last time when we introduced them to a talking mouse, duck, and dog?"

"Maybe Riku's right, Donald," Goofy agreed. "Those folks did act strange the last time we met 'em…"

"Yeah, don't worry about it, guys," said Sora. "We can take care of it. My mom _just _might kill me this time, but it's nothing I haven't handled before."

Sora could feel his dread building as he pulled the Gummi ship in for a landing. He was most certainly doomed.

They said goodbye to Donald and Goofy, making them promise to keep in touch. After living through so many adventures, Sora, Kairi, and Riku couldn't stand staying in one place for very long.

"They're gonna murder me," Sora groaned.

"I'm glad I'm eighteen," Riku gloated.

Kairi rolled her eyes. "You've been eighteen for a week, Riku! Besides, you're still in school and you live at home. Your parents are going to be furious no matter what."

Sora gulped as they approached his house. They had devised a plan to inform their parents of their disappearance by returning in a group. They needed all the support they could get, and after only a month, Sora was certain he was more likely to face fury than tears. He put his hand on the doorknob, Riku and Kairi standing behind him in support. Taking a deep breath, Sora opened the door.

"Hello?" he called out cautiously. "Mom?"

Sora ducked into the living room, searching around corners as though a Heartless were going to attack him. But Heartless were far less terrifying than his mother.

"In here, sweetie!" she called from the kitchen. Wait, called? Why wasn't she running up to smother him in hugs? Why wasn't she both fumingly angry and relieved?

Deciding to go along with it, Sora beckoned Riku and Kairi into the kitchen. His mother barely looked up as she whipped some sort of batter in a mixing bowl. "Why are you home? Did you forget something? Riku, your car broke down again, didn't it?"

"Mom, what're you-"

"Oh, that's okay. I'll just put this in the fridge and I can give you kids a ride to school."

"School?" asked Riku incredulously.

"Don't worry; if we leave now I can get you there with plenty of time to spare."

Sora opened his mouth in protest, but a pinch from Kairi and a muttered 'roll with it' convinced him otherwise.

Within ten minutes, they were on their way to school. Sora kept racking his brain, but no matter how much he tried he couldn't deny the fact that it _should _have been late June. And why was his mother acting as though he'd been gone for mere minutes? Had time somehow slowed drastically while they were gone?

His mother seemed completely oblivious to the looks of shock and awe on their faces as they pulled up to the school. They thanked her blankly, slamming the car doors shut as they approached the building.

"Uh, guys?" Sora pointed to the metal letters adorning the façade. "Since when do we go to a school called Destiny High?"

"We… don't," Riku stared up at it in disbelief.

Kairi looked back at Sora's mother, who waved enthusiastically from the car. "Look, let's just go in and act like nothing's weird. We'll go to the office, get our schedules, and go along with it until we figure out what's going on here."

Sora's anxiety grew as they entered the strange building. Something was definitely not right about their world. What if it was a trap set by Maleficent? No… That didn't make any sense whatsoever. But who else would do something like this?

"Office," Kairi pointed to the heavy glass doors in front of them. She seemed to be the only one able to keep their head on straight in the strange situation. She swung open the doors and led them in… only to be completely floored by the person who greeted them.

"H… _Hayner?"_

"Kairi, Sora, Riku! How's it going, guys?" he said, leaning casually against the desk. "Listen, this student aide thing is a pain in the ass, so if you could keep it simple for me…"

"Why are you here?" blurted out Sora.

"Oh, right!" he smacked his forehead with his palm. "I'm living with my dad permanently now, so I won't just be here in the summers anymore. I'm a full-time student at Destiny High!"

"That's uh… great, Hayner!" said Kairi, gaining her bearings.

"I know, right? So what can I do for you?"

"Schedules," Kairi managed. "Lost 'em."

"All three of you?"

"Yeah… Y'know… We're scatterbrained."

Hayner smiled, shaking his head as he got up. "You guys are a pain in my ass. I'll be back in a minute."

"What the hell is going on here?" asked Riku through his teeth.

Sora shook his head, unsure of how to answer. These were Destiny Islands. His mind _told _him they had landed back on their home world. The palm trees were the same, the waves lapped at the shore in the same lazy manner. But something was incredibly off. He just couldn't tell what it was.

"Okay, here they are," said Hayner as he handed them each a copy of their schedules. "Don't lose them again; it just makes extra work for me."

"We wont," said Kairi. "Thanks, Hayner. See you around."

Sora looked at his schedule as they exited the office. First period Trig. _"Great, I'll have to sit through an hour and a half of math while worrying about what the hell happened to my world."_

"Uh, guys? I'm the only Riku at this school, right?"

Kairi nodded. "It's not exactly a common name."

"Then why does this same my last name is Subaru?"

Sora looked at him confusedly before glancing upon his own schedule.

_Mitsubishi, Sora._

He grabbed Kairi's out of her hand.

"Hey!"

_Toyota, Kairi._

"These are none of our last names," said Sora. "These aren't our last names. My mom wasn't remotely interested in the fact that we're back. This school is called Destiny High. _Hayner _lives here. Something is very, very wrong."

"I know, Sora," said Kairi helplessly. "But what are we supposed to do? We just have to… go along with it until we can figure it out. Can you guys do that for me? Please?"

He looked at Riku, then back at Kairi. "Fine. We'll go along with it until we figure out what's happening."

"Thanks," she smiled. "Now, I don't know about you guys, but I have an eight AM English class to catch."

She hurried off in the opposite direction, schedule close to her nose as she searched for the room number.

Riku smirked as she disappeared around the corner. "We're not going to class, are we?"

"Hell no," said Sora. "Let's split up. Meet me in the lobby in an hour. We're figuring this thing out."

* * *

Sora took a seat on the bleachers, watching idly as a gym class raced around the track. After half an hour, he'd come up with no discernable solution to their problem. This place seemed like his world, but there were a lot of details that made him think that in a way, it wasn't. He hoped Riku was having more luck than he was.

"Hey asshole, these are _my _bleachers when I cut class."

He whipped around at the too-familiar voice, almost falling backward in shock. The girl put her hands on her hips, sneering with a look of complete and utter loathing. Her companion stood back, digging her foot into the ground as the wind whipped through her hair and revealed her face.

"Kairi? _Naminé_?!"


	2. Close Encounters of the OOC Kind

Thanks for the reviews and alerts from last chapter! It gave me the motivation to finish this one very quickly. :)

**Disclaimer: **Kingdom Hearts is owned by Square Enix and Disney.

* * *

**Chapter Two: Close Encounters of the OOC Kind**

"_Kairi? Naminé_?!"

Sora could do nothing but stare at the two in disbelief. "How'd you… What's-"

"Oh, stop being such a dumbass," said Kairi, taking a seat on a nearby bleacher as she lit a cigarette. "Look, hon, I know you've got the same intelligence level as a hamster, but most people understand what 'go the hell away' means."

"What just… happened?" managed Sora. "Half an hour ago you were-"

"Being asked out by Demyx Sudoku," she said casually, exhaling a thin line of smoke. "Like I'd ever go out with that loser. You know, Sora… I might actually consider going out with you, if you weren't… you know."

"Wait, Demyx? What?" Despite his confusion, Sora was quickly growing angry. Naminé had yet to speak, but sat next to Kairi as though she weren't there at all.

"Kairi, what the hell are you talking about?" Sora clenched his fists together. "And Naminé, how are you here? Why are you treating me and everyone else like shit? Snap out of it!"

Kairi's expression was unreadable, save the twitch in her eye that did not go unnoticed by Sora. "Look, I was being _nice_. Having an actual _conversation _with a person like you. I wasn't even going to kick you out. Screw it. You have ten seconds to get off these bleachers or I will _destroy _what little reputation you've made for yourself. You've seen me do it to other people. I won't hesitate to ruin your life."

Naminé continued looking at the ground, refusing to contribute to their conversation.

Sora shook his head, completely overwhelmed by the situation. He had to find Riku, and fast.

* * *

Riku paced through the lobby, glancing up at the clock every few seconds. Sora was supposed to meet him at nine, but he was five minutes late. Hopefully he hadn't gotten caught up in the newfound insanity of their world.

"Riku-kun!"

He turned around to see Sora rushing toward him as he held steady a can of Red Bull and the biggest pixie stick Riku had ever seen.

There was something different about Sora. Why was he wearing pink? And since when did he look so completely _stupid_?

The boy smiled at him, bright blue eyes completely devoid of any thought or substance. "Riiiiiku-kun, you should be in class, ne?"

Riku raised an eyebrow. Apparently this place had grabbed Sora, ripped out his brains, given him an addiction to sugar and caffeine, and spewed out the remains.

"Okay, what the _hell _is going on here?" his voice sounded through the lobby as he questioned no one in particular.

The other boy whimpered a little, clutching the can of Red Bull as his bottom lip curled into what could only be described as a pout. "Riku-kun, did I do something to upset you? I know you said no more Red Bull, but sometimes I-"

"Sora, what happened to you in the _one hour _we were apart?" he was starting to become legitimately scared now. "Since when do you wear pink polos and throw out random sounds in your sentences?"

"I… I was just showing my knowledge of the beautiful Japanese language!" Were there tears forming in his eyes? Really? "P-Please forgive me, Riku-k… Riku! Y-you always said it was kawaii when I talked like that!"

Kawaii? What the hell did that mean?

Riku stared at his friend in wide-eyed disbelief. This was not Sora. There was no way in _hell _this pansy-ass, permanently-frozen-at-the-age-of-five imbecile was his best friend.

The pounding of furious footsteps alerted Riku to the approach of another person. He whipped his head around to see that it was none other than… Sora? Another Sora?

"Riku, if someone doesn't explain to me what's happen-" the newly approaching Sora stopped dead in his tracks, his dumbfounded gaze transfixed upon his idiotic doppelganger.

Stupid!Sora stared back with wide eyes, the gigantic pixie stick falling from his mouth and dropping to the floor, its sugary content coating the tile.

"Riku…" Sora's voice was insanely calm. "Would you like to explain why you're talking to an moronic version of myself?"

"Riku-kun, what's going on?" asked the simpleton. "I… I don't like being confused… You know that."

"So that's _not _you," Riku breathed a sigh of relief. "I was afraid they'd done something to your brain… I don't know."

"That means the Kairi I was talking to in the bleachers wasn't our Kairi!" concluded Sora as he completely ignored the incoherent babblings of the sugar-addicted boy. "Good thing, 'cause she was a bitch."

"But what's going on?" Riku scratched his head. "We're clearly not on our world, and yet we… or some version of ourselves… _exist _here."

"Sort of. I'd like to think that this-" Sora pointed to the dumbed down version of himself, who was now attempting to lick the sugar off of the floor. "Is not me."

"So you think we're in another reality?" asked Riku. "Meaning… If there's another Sora and another Kairi…"

"There's gotta be another Riku."

"There's no way another version of me could be _this _bad."

Riku would, of course, grow to resent that assumption.

* * *

"_My life now lays in pieces on the floor of melancholy._

_Where crows and magpies walk the line_

_Of fortune, fame, and folly._

_Where specters roam and ghosts abound,_

_Where souls are lost and never found._

_Where those in darkness seek the light,_

_But never 'til their final fight-"_

"Riku, that's great but really… I think that's enough poetry for today," Kairi smiled as sweetly as she could manage. That final battle must have really knocked a few screws loose in Riku's brain.

"Kairi, Kairi, Kairi…" he said sadly. "You're a sweet girl, but I can't expect you to understand the inner workings of my psyche."

She raised an eyebrow, slightly perturbed. He was _not _insinuating that she was stupid.

"Granted, you're better intellectual company than my precious Sora, but that's to be expected. No one in this school _really _understands me. You know, just last week I was reading _The Catcher in the Rye_, and came to the conclusion that I'm the Holden Caulfield in my life."

Kairi could only stare at him, mouth slightly agape, as he continued the monologue of a depressed, misunderstood intellectual. And what was this about his "precious" Sora?

"I mean, maybe I should run away from home, too. My life here is an empty shell, wouldn't you agree? What have I accomplished in my life? Is Sora really enough to keep me here? Some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright."

…and now he was quoting Shawshank?

She smiled uncomfortably. "Listen, Riku? I think… maybe you should see someone about this. I'm not saying you're crazy, it's just, well, you're not acting like yourself at all. Just a few hours ago you were going on about how good it was to be going home, and now you're talking about leaving again. You wouldn't do that to me and Sora, would you?"

"Going home? What're you talking about?" he looked thoroughly confused. "Kairi, I've never been off the islands in my life."

"What're _you_ talking about?" Kairi stared at him. "Did you get zapped by something that completely erased your memory? Would it have been possible for Naminé to mess with you as a joke?"

Riku rolled his eyes. "Naminé, your little sidekick? Please, like she'd ever have the balls to try something on me…"

"My sidekick? Riku-"

"Kairi!" Sora came sprinting down the hall. He grabbed Kairi's wrist in haste. "Come here for a minute; I really need to talk to you."

Riku scoffed and shook his head. "Sora, what did I tell you about drinking Red Bull? It always puts you in these hyperactive moods, and you know I don't like-"

"Save it for later," he interrupted, practically dragging Kairi away from Riku, around the corner, and into an all-too-conveniently placed janitor's closet. (The convenient placement of said closet was determined by the AU author, not the parody author.)

"Sora, what's wrong with Riku?" she asked.

"Nothing out of the ordinary," came the voice of a certain silver-haired friend.

She gasped, backing into the door. "Riku? You were just- how'd you-"

"That wasn't Riku," Sora explained. "Didn't you notice something was off?"

"Well, yeah…" Kairi nodded. "You were acting really strange; I thought maybe Naminé had messed with your memories or something. But his name was Riku; he looked exactly like you! What do you think is going on? Is this a trap that's been set by Maleficent?"

"I don't think so," Riku's voice was pensive. "I mean, we don't know how many worlds are out there, right? What if there are worlds a lot like ours, with people very similar to us who just happen to live through different things?"

"Like an alternate reality," Kairi said.

"Exactly."

"That's completely insane, but based on the other things we've been through, definitely not out of the question. You know," Kairi put her hand on her chin. "That other Riku _did _say something about Naminé being my sidekick… Meaning in this world, she's not my Nobody. Still… I wonder why I'd have a sidekick."

"Um, Kairi…" said Sora cautiously. "Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but the 'you' in this world is an awful person. I met her."

"Really," she raised an eyebrow, but didn't look particularly surprised. "Well, that'd explain why the Riku in this world is a depressed freak with a strange obsession for his best friend."

Riku narrowed his eyes. "Just _which _best friend are you talking about? You, right?"

She chuckled. "Oh, if only it were that simple… No, this Riku… Seems to have feelings for Sora, believe it or not."

He swallowed, glaring horrifically at Sora. "I know the _Sora _in this world talks about me strangely, but I do the same thing? What'd I… What'd he say?"

"You, uh…" she stifled a giggle. "You called Sora 'precious'."

His mouth fell open as he stared at her in disbelief. No sound could escape his lips; he could only mouth the word 'no'. Sora shuffled his feet uncomfortably, refusing to make eye contact with either of them. Kairi could see that this conversation was going nowhere without her assistance.

"You don't think you guys are _together _in this world, do you?"

"No, I'm sure it's just some weird obsession thing on Riku's part," Sora shook his head.

Riku snorted. "Yeah right… It's more likely that Sora's a clingy little moron."

"Hey! You're the one who called me precious!"

"At least I didn't-"

"Knock it off!" Kairi interrupted. "You don't have to get so defensive about it, jeeze! Remember, guys, that isn't us! Clearly Goofy made a terrible navigation mistake. Let's not argue over little things; we need to figure out how to get to our _real _home."

"But Donald and Goofy are long gone by now," said Sora realistically. "We can send them a message in a bottle, but that method takes months."

"And who knows if it'd even work on this world?" added Riku.

"All I know is that we have to get away from this school before people start noticing that we have twins running around," Sora peeked out of the janitor's closet. "The other Sora already saw me, but he's an idiot and I don't think anyone will take him seriously."

"But where can we go?" asked Kairi.

"I dunno," Sora shrugged. "_Anywhere _but here."

* * *

Wow… Writing their doppelgangers like that made me die a little inside. I would also like to formally apologize to Sora, Riku, and Kairi for completely desecrating their personalities. It was for the point of parody, but I still may lose sleep over it.

Also, just to make this clear: I'm not bashing yaoi, only the clichés and stereotypes that account for such a high percentage of stories that have yaoi in them. I like yaoi when it's well-written, I just hate the way it's portrayed sometimes.


	3. Welcome to My Life

Sorry if this chapter doesn't really introduce anything new. It's meant as a transition from "What's going on?" to "Oh, THIS is what's going on...", and to show them acclimating to their unfortunate situation. So yeah, we'll really start getting into the meat of it in the next chapter.

Thanks again for the reviews; they always make my day.

**Disclaimer: **Has a fanfic writer EVER owned Kingdom Hearts? Doubt it.

* * *

**Chapter Three: Welcome to My Life**

"Okay, on the count of three we make a break for it and get as far away from civilization as possible," Sora whispered as he slowly creaked open the closet door, leading Kairi and Riku into the treacherous alternate world.

"Whoa, guys. Hold it."

Sora whipped around, automatically summoning his Keyblade at the sight of the person. They were dressed in an Organization XIII trench coat.

"You're a member of the Organization! I thought we defeated-"

"Watch it!" they interrupted Sora. "I'm definitely _not _in the Organization. It's just that this world doesn't allow for a lot of originality and this was the only disguise I was able to find."

Sora squinted his eyes as he tried to see under the hood.

"Hey, stay back," they said, shying away. "My identity's top secret."

"But how do we know we can trust you?" Riku eyed them suspiciously.

"Well…" the person hesitated. "You don't. But honestly, what other option do you have right now? Listen, as much as I wish I didn't, I understand how this world works. It was created out of nothingness just a few years ago by ill-developed minds working together to create an abomination of a thing… Really bad fanfiction."

"Wait a minute," Kairi said skeptically. "So you're saying this world came into being because of badly written, fan-made stories? How is that possible?"

"Honestly, I don't understand it," admitted the hooded figure. "It may be because of the sheer amount of garbage that's written. At least, that's the best theory I've got. All I know is that it exists. I don't fully understand it, but I'm one of your only links to sanity in this world, so you may want to heed my advice until you can get home… or, and maybe I'm just dreaming here, even save this world from itself."

"But we're in a predicament that we can't really see around," Sora pleaded. "I mean, my look-alike knows I exist. He's seen me and he's freaked out."

"No problem."

"What do you mean 'no problem'?" exclaimed Kairi. "How would you like it if you saw another version of yourself walking around?"

The disguised figure laughed cynically. "The one advantage you have on this world is that nothing, and I mean _nothing_, has to make even the most remote amount of sense. If you tell them you're their long-lost twins, they _will _believe you."

"There has to be a line somewhere. That doesn't make any sense whatsoever!" argued Sora.

Another laugh. "On this world, it doesn't have to. Use that to your advantage."

Riku nodded in understanding. "Okay… You actually seem to know what you're talking about. You know, comparatively."

"Thank you."

"So why don't you come with us, help us along the way?" he offered.

The figure shook their head. "Listen, I may your link to sanity, but you guys have to do this on your own. I can give you advice here and there, but that's about it. Wouldn't want to be an annoying OC, now would I?"

The person snickered at what Riku assumed was a joke, but the three could do nothing but stare blankly.

"Haha… Okay, well, now that that's settled… I'm gonna peace out. I'll be watching, just in case you need any help. You've saved multiple worlds, but this is something entirely new altogether. You'll need more strength and perseverance than you ever thought imaginable. Remember: these people may look like you and your friends, but _they are not_. Anything sane and logical needs to be thrown out the window. Attack their crazy with more crazy. It'll be tough, but you have to remain strong, so don't run away from this. Stick around for awhile. Do it for the sane people of the fandom."

With that, they began to fade into oblivion. Sora, Riku, and Kairi stared in disbelief at the now-translucent figure.

"How are you doing that?" asked Sora.

"Like I said… Nothing in this world makes sense. Remember, there may be others like me to help you along the way. They'll be few and far between, but listen to what they have to say. They know what they're talking about. Good luck," they disappeared, leaving the three alone in the hallway.

"What just happened?" asked Kairi desperately. "Now what're we supposed to do?"

"I say we go for it," said Riku.

"You're kidding," Kairi argued. "You actually want to follow the advice of that random person who disappeared into thin air?"

"Some of what they said made sense," Sora agreed. "I mean, I'm still confused about what this… fanfiction thing is, or how it spawned a world of its own, but maybe we _should _try to stop it, or at least make it better."

"And how do you suggest we do that?" she sounded exasperated.

"I'm going to introduce myself to myself. He's already seen me; he at least deserves an explanation."

"Sora, we both met that moron," argued Riku. "What little brain he has will short-wire."

"Well then, I'll be doing us all a favor, won't I?"

------------

"Hey, Sora," he approached the doppelganger slowly.

The boy slouched in his chair, extending his bottom lip as far as he could as he stared at Sora with the most desperate, terrified expression Kairi had ever seen.

"It's okay; there's no need to be afraid," Sora smiled gently at the simpleton. "I'm, uh… I'm your long-lost twin."

Stupid!Sora perked up, his jaw dropping lower than should have been possible. "You're my… my _what_?"

"Yeah, that's right," Sora scratched his head. "We were separated at birth. It was a mistake."

"So _you're _my twin… not Roxas?"

_Roxas?_

Sora glanced back to Riku and Kairi, but they only shrugged helplessly. "We were… uh, triplets. But I was… accidentally given to another couple on a different island."

Kairi watched in amazement as the scene unfolded. Stupid!Sora's mouth formed into a small "o" as he surveyed his more mentally capable counterpart. Without warning, he jumped up and smothered Sora in a hug.

"Oh my God! This is so exciting; isn't it, Riku? Can you believe I have a twin?!"

"Ohhkay, easy there," Sora said uncomfortably, trying to squirm out of the hyperactive boy's grip. "And I thought you said Roxas was your- our twin, too?"

"Oh yeah!" the boy jumped up and down. "I forgot about that! He'll be sooo excited. Well, maybe not; he's a big ol' grouch. You'll see. Riku, what do you think of this? You have _two _Soras all to yourself now!"

"Augh, _never _say that again!" Sora looked absolutely terrified. "Two Sor- you know… NO. Bad images… Can't get them out of my head…"

"Uh, actually, _Sora…_" Riku tried to remain as calm as possible. "I'm not the Riku you think I am. It's the same thing as with you and him. I'm Riku's twin, and she's Kairi's."

He smiled widely. "Really? I get to make _three _new friends?"

"Yeah, sure," Kairi tried to sound sincere, but the idiot was making it incredibly difficult.

"I'm calling Riku right now… This is too exciting for texting!" the boy pulled out a sleek cell phone. "Hey, Riku? Come to the courtyard. I've got a surprise for you… Mhm… Yeah. _No_, not like _that_! Gosh, you perv!"

"I can't believe I talk like that," murmured Sora so that only Kairi could hear. "And why would I ever-"

"Who the fuck are _you_?" a voice sounded from the opposite side of the courtyard.

Sora whipped around as quickly as he could, the face of a frustrated Emo!Riku coming into sight.

"What the hell is going on?" he demanded, sizing up Riku from a distance.

"You having another twin, well… That's expected, Sora, but _me_?" Emo!Riku sounded baffled by the very idea. "I'm the only unique person in this school, on these islands! What're people going to think when there's someone who looks exactly like me? Granted, I would never dress like that, but still…"

"Nice to meet you too," Riku sneered.

"I mean, I have a _twin_?" he looked at Riku with complete disgust, grabbing his chin as though to make sure he were real. "How does this happen?"

"Well, you see, early in embryonic development-"

"Don't talk, Other Sora," Emo!Riku grumbled. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a sleek MP3 player that was covered in menacing skull stickers. "I need Simple Plan right now. They're the only ones who understand what I'm going through."

Kairi stared at him in disbelief as he closed his eyes, tuning out the world as he sang some of the most godawful lyrics in the history of mankind.

"_To be left out in the dark. To be kicked when you're down, to feel like you've been pushed around. To be on the edge of breaking down with no one there to save you..."_

"The funny thing is," Kairi whispered to the real Riku and Sora. "I can't decide which of you is more annoying."

"Aw, Riku, you're being rude," pouted Stupid!Sora, pulling out one of Riku's earbuds. "We should be nice, introduce them to our friends. "This is Kairi's twin, too. They haven't met yet. And I'm sure Roxas would love to meet new people."

Emo!Riku snorted. "Do you _know _Roxas? He's even too good to eat lunch with us anymore. I doubt he'll care he has another brother. Ever since he got recruited to that band all he's done is hang out with them."

"I think _somebody's _jealous…" taunted Stupid!Sora. "I know you wanted them to pick you."

"I'm a lone wolf; how many times do I have to tell you that?" Emo!Riku snapped. "Besides, the only reason they picked Roxas is because he's fuck buddies with Axel Teriyaki."

"Axel?" Kairi's eyes went wide. _Is everyone in this world gay?_

Bitchy!Kairi and Namine entered the scene and subsequently saved the author from writing a boring transition. It was probably the definition of contrived.

"OH MY GOD WHY ARE THERE SIX OF US?" she exclaimed in the loudest, most Valley Girl voice that had ever been heard.

"You'll never guess, Kairi," Stupid!Sora ran up to her and yanked her closer to Kairi. "We all have twins! All three of us! Isn't that awesome?"

Bitchy!Kairi met her eyes for the first time. At first Kairi only saw confusion, but it widened to something greater. Amazement, disbelief… happiness?

"I have a twin?" she exclaimed. "Oh my God, this is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me! Namine, get out my camera. We _have _to take pictures. I can't believe I have a sister. We should like, call the newspaper or something."

"How about we don't?"

"Who asked you, Other Sora?" she snapped. "That was you on the bleachers today, wasn't it?"

"Yeah…"

"I don't like you."

Kairi wanted to hit the girl in the face for talking to Sora in that manner. However, she resigned herself to smiling as Namine snapped a few pictures of them.

"This is like, the best day of my life," Bitchy!Kairi smiled. "We're going to be best friends; I can _so _tell."

Kairi couldn't wait.

* * *

Yeah, sorry about the transitional chapter. I'm hoping it didn't feel too rushed. Also, I realize the grammar between the person in the Organization coat being matched with "they" was incorrect, but I was trying to just make it seem like any random, rational fan who's willing to help them rid the world of badfic.

The trio will definitely be in for a surprise when they meet Axel, Roxas, and the other members of their band in the next chapter. Hmm... I wonder what said band could _possibly _be called?


	4. You Can't Rhyme Libido With Mosquito

Thank you for the faves, reviews, and alerts! I'm sorry if I forgot to respond to some reviews. I've been really busy for the past week and I haven't had a lot of free time. I _did _get a chance to finish this chapter though. Well, here it is!

* * *

**Chapter Four: You Can't Rhyme Libido with Mosquito**

As the terrible music pounded through his ears, Riku couldn't help but ponder just how he'd ended up in this situation. Someone like Stupid!Sora should not have been able to bamboozle him into participating in such a horrendous activity, and yet here he was, listening to some of the worst music (could it even be considered music?) ever created.

For one, he decided, Axel should never, under any circumstances, be allowed to sing. Two: as far as he could tell, Demyx could only play four chords. Three: Zexion kept screwing up the entire rhythm because he could play the drums about as well as Tarzan. Four… Well, there was Roxas.

The Roxas in his own universe pissed him off enough. This one was sporting some fashion trend that seemed reminiscent of Emo!Riku, but there was one very discernable difference. While Emo!Riku came with his own bundle of crazy, he paled in comparison to Roxas.

Roxas was the bass player, so naturally he slumped off to the side of the stage with very little presence whatsoever, almost begging his audience to ignore him so it would fuel some depressing, deeply felt emotions. Despite his attitude, he wore the eyeliner of a lead singer. His lips were frozen in a permanent frown, piercing blue eyes transfixed on the suffering audience, almost _daring _them to plug their ears and run away in horror.

At long last, the indiscernible song ended. Riku hoped it was one of their own creation and they hadn't been slaughtering a reputable song. Their doppelgangers began clapping enthusiastically (though Riku's much less so). Riku, Kairi, and Sora joining in after their ears had had a few moments to recover.

"So it was good, yeah?" smiled Axel. "Thanks, guys. We're The Organization; got it memorized?"

_No...  
_

"What should we play next?" Demyx addressed his bandmates. "How about that My Chemical Romance song that totally changed our lives?"

Zexion shook his head. "_Everyone _is covering MCR these days. We have to do something better. How about that really obscure Japanese song that no one will recognize or care about?"

"Tsunami Origami?" Roxas scowled. "I don't think so. That's pure fluff. We need something with raw emotion that'll leave them floored."

"I know!" Axel exclaimed as he struck up an all-too-familiar riff. No, this had to be some sort of mistake. They weren't going to…

"_Load up on guns; bring your friends. It's fun to lose and to pretend…"_

Yes, yes they were going to slaughter one of the greatest songs of all time. And save jumping onto the stage and ripping the microphone out of Axel's hand, there was nothing they could do about it.

"Riku, I think I'm dying a little inside," Kairi looked at him desperately.

Riku couldn't even respond. He felt a piece of himself rip away and jump off of a proverbial cliff. He knew that something about himself would never be the same. Riku looked over at Sora. There was nothing in eyes but the emptiness of one with nothing left to live for.

The five minutes of pure hell dragged on for what seemed like hours. Finally the song ended, but the three were unable to join in the cheers of their look-alikes. It had been far too painful and damaging.

"Well, what'd you guys think?" Axel asked.

"Ooh, it was great!" Stupid!Sora grinned. "I'm so glad they picked you for the band, Roxas!"

"You would be," mumbled Emo!Riku.

"Yeah, ol' Roxy here sure has some talent," said Demyx as he leaned his guitar against the garage wall.

_Roxy?_ Another piece of Riku died.

"No I don't," Roxas denied the compliment. "I wish I could be as good as you guys."

_Wow, never stop having such big dreams, Roxas._

"Aw, don't talk like that, Roxy," said Axel as he put his arm around Roxas's shoulder. "You're just as good as the rest of us. You know we wouldn't've picked you if you didn't have the talent."

Roxas glared at Axel. "You're just saying that, asshole."

"What the fuck? I am not, you stupid prick!" Axel retorted.

"Shut up and go to hell."

"_You _shut up, you piece of shit!"

"Fuck you, you worthless-"

"Oh, Roxy, it's so damn sexy when you talk like that…"

Riku watched in wide-eyed disbelief at the scene that unfolded before them. Axel and Roxas screamed at each other from a distance of mere inches, spewing curses back and forth as though they were enemies. But then, completely out of nowhere, something completely illogical and yet totally expected happened.

Axel's pressed his lips against Roxas's. The kiss was long and hard with all sorts of uncomfortable moaning noises for those who were forced to withstand it. Before they knew it, Axel had Roxas pushed up against the wall (because he was taller and therefore dominant). It was quite possibly the most awkward thing Riku had ever experienced.

"Uh… should we maybe… leave?" Sora broke the trance.

"Probably," Demyx nodded. "They'll be at it for quite awhile. And you might wanna steer clear of that wall after this."

Riku didn't even want to know.

"Okay, so what was _that_?" asked Kairi as they exited Axel's garage and headed into the house. "They were fighting one second, and the next they're making out?"

"I told you they were fuck buddies," Emo!Riku scowled, his voice suddenly effeminate and bitchy.

"Yeah, he doesn't even hang out with his other friends anymore," observed Demyx. "Just us, because Axel's always there."

"Do their- _our _parents know?" asked Sora.

Stupid!Sora shook his head in horror. "Oh no! You can't say anything to them, Other Twin! Dad doesn't like… you know. He'll kick Roxas out for sure! We have to keep it a secret!"

Aha. So this was how it was going to go. He thought about bringing up Stupid!Sora and Emo!Riku's questionable relationship status, but decided against it. They seemed to think they were being sneaky about it, after all. Axel and Roxas? Not so much. It all seemed very typical, but he wasn't quite sure why.

About ten minutes later, Axel and Roxas decided to end their make-out fest and join the others. Their hair was even more disheveled than usual, but neither brought up the entirely inappropriate occurrence. Instead, Roxas seemed perturbed about something, and refused to take his scowling eyes off of Sora from the second they entered.

"So what'd you guys think of our band?" asked Axel, addressing the newcomers.

"You guys are really great," Kairi smiled earnestly. Riku had to give the girl credit: she was too damn nice for her own good.

"Really, you think so?" Axel smirked. "It's always good to have our talent reinforced. There's this Battle of the Bands thing going on next month and we were thinking of signing up."

"You guys'll knock 'em dead," grinned Stupid!Sora.

Riku rolled his eyes. It was probably true, solely based on the fact that he doubted anyone in this world was good at _anything_.

"Roxy here's a great addition," smirked Axel as he wrapped an arm around Roxas's shoulders.

Roxas shrugged, his glare transfixed on Sora. Sora was obviously uncomfortable. His eyes shifted to the main conversation, but they always returned to Roxas. Eventually it seemed he couldn't keep his mouth closed any longer.

"Dude, what's wrong?" asked Sora, his confused expression contrasting Roxas's.

He sneered. "Why'd you have to come and ruin my life?"

"What… How am I-"

"I can see it all now," he said dramatically, eyes highlighted by the thick layer of eyeliner. He slumped over to the corner, somehow commanding the attention of the entire room as he stared at Sora in pure and utter loathing. "This… _new _Sora, the smart one, the one who gets good grades and doesn't ask dumbass questions all the time. Where does that leave _me_? I'll just be Roxas, the reject, the kid that they throw out on the street for not being good enough, for being gay, for being--"

"Oh my God, will you shut up?" Bitchy!Kairi scowled. It was the first time Riku had ever wanted to commend someone from this world. "Get over it! Don't you see? We have twins and it's amazing! I mean, I'll have to leave Namin_é_ behind sometimes, but won't it be great? We'll have sleepovers every night 'cause we'll live in the same house. Oh, and we can paint each other's nails and do our hair and watch Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill!"

Kairi looked at Riku with the most terrified expression he had ever seen.

"Yeah, that'll be a… great thing for you guys to do sometime," Sora flashed Bitchy!Kairi his most charming smile. "But you see, this is all a little overwhelming for us right now. You know, meeting so many people and everything. Can we catch up with you later?"

"B…but we just met, Other Me!" pouted Stupid!Sora. "We're just getting to know each other!"

"Yeah, Other Sora, I wouldn't mind if you stuck around. Really, it'd be… nice," Emo!Riku smiled for the first time since their introduction. And was that a wink?

"Sorry guys, but we need some time to talk," said Riku as he ushered Sora and Kairi toward the door. "We'll meet you in awhile, okay?"

With a few 'byes', 'see yas', and 'laters', they were finally able to leave the Congregation of Hell. The moment they exited the doors, Kairi let out a heavy sigh of relief.

"Guys… I'm really not sure I can do this anymore. I know I'm a Princess of Heart and I'm not supposed to feel any… you know, animosity toward people, but I hate them. I really, really hate them."

Sora looked at her, a strange expression on his face. His amused grin turned into a heavy round of laughter that didn't let up for several seconds.

Riku raised an eyebrow. "They must really be getting to you."

"Eh, it's just that laughing's the only thing keeping me from going in there and whacking the hell out of them with my Keyblade."

Riku snorted. Sora tended to like everyone who wasn't evil, and if even he couldn't stand them, it didn't say anything remotely reassuring about their characters. One thing was certain: Riku was going to adamantly refuse staying at his doppelganger's house. The guy hated him for taking away his uniqueness and sense of self, so he didn't think it would be too much of a problem to find another place to stay. There was always Stupid!Sora's family, but he didn't know how long he could stand living with that sugar-induced, IQ-halved version of his best friend. Bitchy!Kairi was debatably worse, but Riku felt bad leaving Kairi alone with her as well.

Kairi finally said what he had been thinking. "Guys, where are we going to stay? I can't stay at her house; I'll probably be dead by morning."

Sora laughed cynically. "What's she going to do, drown you in make-up? If I stay at 'my' house, Roxas will probably try to smother me in my sleep."

"And the other Riku will make me listen to music that'll make me _want_ to kill myself."

Kairi seemed to struggle with herself. "Well… Maybe one night won't kill us. Who knows, maybe Roxas will warm up to you, Sora. And Riku, if you get to know him better maybe you'll see that you guys have more in common than you think. And maybe I can convince the other Kairi to have Namin_é_ stay over too. She seems okay, just shy. Come on… how much harm could this possibly do?"

Riku wished Kairi would keep such optimistic thoughts to herself. They always ended up being jinxes.

* * *

Roxas, Axel, and _especially_ Nirvana: I'm so, so sorry…


	5. Biology 101

Is that the beginning of a plot I see? Hmm... I think it just might be...

**DISCLAIMER: **Last time I checked, I didn't own Kingdom Hearts.

* * *

**Chapter Five: Biology 101**

"I _love _the purple eyeshadow. It totally brings out your eyes. Well, of course it does, 'cause they're just like mine! And you'll look bangin' in that yellow cami."

This was it, and Kairi knew it. Inevitable doom was finally upon her. She always suspected it could happen, whether it was from Maleficent trying to take over the worlds or Xehanort harvesting her heart… but being destroyed by another version of herself? She definitely hadn't seen this coming.

_Sure_, Riku had said. It would be _fine _staying with their doppelgangers. It was just overnight, and then they'd be reunited at school the next day. But with at least a pound of makeup on her face and more curlers in her hair than she could count, Kairi wasn't entirely sure she'd survive the night.

She didn't really know what they were watching on TV, but she knew it was painful. The girl on the screen was pouting, apparently in some kind of a fight with a whiny blond boy.

Bitchy!Kairi sighed. "I love watching this show when I'm giving makeovers. It like, totally inspires me. I mean just _look_ at that New York fashion! I'm so jealous… Makes me wonder why I had to be born on this shitty little island. I'm too good for this place. Don't you feel the same?"

"Uh, well…" Kairi stumbled. "I mean, Destiny Islands can get kind of boring and I like visiting other places, but I've never thought I was too _good _for them."

"You just don't get it," she scoffed. "People like me, people like us… We're better than the others. We're the ones who are destined to make something of ourselves. We'll be the ones who go to New York and be famous models. Once we're done with high school I'm totally blowing this joint."

Kairi zoned out her look-alike as a defense mechanism to protect both her sanity and intelligence. She glanced around the bedroom, taking in the flowery walls that were plastered in posters that showed what she was sure were pop culture references in Bitchy!Kairi's world. One had a picture of a too-pale man who was staring stonily into the room. Underneath it was the label 'Edward Cullen'. An actor or something, she guessed. Another poster showed Bitchy!Kairi's love for a band called Nickelback, and yet another highlighted a smiling rabbit that proclaimed: 'I'm too cute to be evil'. It was all a little obnoxious.

"Hey! Were you even listening to me?" Bitchy!Kairi's demanding voice snapped her away from her observances.

"Huh?"

"I said, do you want pink nail polish or blue?"

"Um, actually, I'm good. Just take the curlers out and I'll--"

"Oh, no you don't," Bitchy!Kairi pushed her back onto the chair. "What guy's going to notice you if you don't have on nail polish tomorrow? Of course, not that people who look as good as we do don't get hit on all the time anyway, but it can't hurt to take an extra precaution."

"I'm actually… good in the romance department," Kairi defended.

"Oh yeah?" Bitchy!Kairi looked skeptical. "Are you with one of them?"

"Who?"

"_Your_ Sora and Riku, duh!"

"Oh, no, nothing like that," Kairi could feel herself blushing. "The thing is, our lives are kinda crazy. I don't really have time for a relationship and--"

"Bullshit…" Bitchy!Kairi said in a singsongy voice. "All we have here is time. And besides, I'm you and you're me and I've had a thing for _both _Sora and Riku at one point or another. But, you know, they have to be all homoerotic with each other, so… whatever. I'll get Sora to myself someday. And anyway, even if you don't like one of them, there are plenty of guys here who I'm sure would pay _money _to be with you."

Kairi was pretty sure there was a word for that, and she was pretty sure it was illegal, but she kept her mouth shut and let Bitchy!Kairi keep going.

The girl held up the bottles of nail polish again, grinning evilly. "Well, what'll it be? Pink or blue?"

It was going to be a long night.

* * *

"…and then we can swim in the ocean, and then we can go to the mall and buy those soft pretzels that're filled with cheese, and then we can go see a movie and get those gigantic tubs of popcorn and those big pops they have, and then when the movie lets out we'll go to the store and get lots of Monster and Amp and Volt and Bawls and--"

"_What?_" Sora interrupted his double, because really, he was going to have to draw the line at buying a product called Balls.

He had been laying in a sleeping bag on Stupid!Sora's floor for the past two hours, but every time he tried to get to sleep, the boy blurted out another obnoxious comment.

"Oh, it'll be so much fun!" Stupid!Sora exclaimed as he lunged for the bottle of Mountain Dew on his nightstand. "And I'm glad Mom and Dad like you so much! When they said you were like the son they always had, I thought I was gonna die laughing! And don't worry about Roxas, I'm sure he'll warm up to you in a jiffy once he sees how awesome you are!"

Jiffy. Really? Sora shook away the thought. Sadly, he was glad he was sharing a room with Stupid!Sora rather than Roxas. The guy was at least nice to him, despite his less-than-average mental abilities.

"Want a Red Bull?" asked Stupid!Sora. "I have a box stashed under my bed!"

"It's two in the morning. Don't we have to get up in four hours?"

"Ah, who cares? Live a little," Stupid!Sora giggled.

"You sure you're okay?"

"Hehe… I'm just really high right now!"

Sora cocked an eyebrow. "What, you have some cocaine stashed under your mattress?"

Stupid!Sora put a hand over his mouth and gasped. "How could you say that? I'd _never _do drugs! I'm high on caffeine is all!"

Yeah, because caffeine could _definitely _get you high. It was some hardcore shit.

* * *

"Wow, _this _is your house?" Riku stopped in his tracks, observing the three-story marvel that stood before his eyes. "You guys must be loaded."

"Yeah. Whatever. I still hate it," Emo!Riku scowled as they walked up the steps and into the house.

"Father? Dad? I'm home. And there's someone here you have to meet."

"Coming, Riku…"

Riku froze in mid step. His mouth fell open, eyes bugging out of his head in what would have almost been a comic expression had he not been both confused and scared shitless.

Because before him stood Sephiroth.

"My, my, it appears I have another son," he said in a droning voice. "Riku, would you like to explain to me how such an event occurred?"

"When we were born, the doctors tricked you and our mom into thinking you only had one kid," Riku explained, deciding it was easier than waiting for his double to come up with a melodramatic way to tell the story. "They thought there were too many kids on this island, so I was given to a family a few islands away. I just found out about it a few weeks ago."

"Well now, isn't that fascinating," Sephiroth's voice was loud, booming, and ever-verbose. "Though there is an important detail that it seems your brother neglected to tell you."

"Oh yeah, what's that?" Riku couldn't wait for the next piece of shocking news.

"You don't have a mother."

"Did she die? I'm sorry to--"

"No, no, nothing like that," Emo!Riku rolled his eyes for no apparent reason. "This was one of the things that made me _unique_. Our mother is actually another father."

Riku furrowed his brow in confusion. "Wait. I'm having trouble following this. You're saying our mother had a sex change?"

Emo!Riku sighed in exasperation. "No. I'm saying one of our fathers conceived us as a man."

"Are you being sarcastic? "

"No, dumbass, I'm _not _being sarcastic!" he practically yelled at Riku's inability to comprehend the ever-so-likely scenario of a man getting pregnant.

"That's impossible," argued Riku.

"No it's not."

"Yes it is. You fail biology… forever."

"Actually, dear, it's quite possible."

Riku did a double-take as the next person entered the room. It was none other than Cloud Strife. There was something incredibly wrong in more ways than Riku could have imagined. He stood with his hands on his hips, a purple apron tied around a muscle shirt and skin-tight black jeans. His eyes twinkled in a way that Riku knew that this was not the Cloud Strife that Sora had introduced him to.

"What's this I hear from my domestic duties in the kitchen?" Cloud smiled, his eyes widening as his eyes fell upon the two Rikus. "I have another son? This is so great! It's nice to meet you; my name's Cloud."

"Uh, yeah, you too," Riku shook his head back and forth, an unsuccessful attempt at recovery. "But wait a minute… _You _were pregnant?"

"Yes, Riku isn't lying to you. The Mako in my system makes it possible for me to conceive children. It's not all that uncommon for men to have children. You must know that."

It wasn't just Emo!Riku. This entire world failed biology forever.

"Uh… yeah. Sure…"

"Well, Riku, why don't you show your long-lost brother your room?" suggested Sephiroth. "You do have a flare for creativity. He can stay in the guest room until we can get him a room of his own. He is family, after all."

Emo!Riku led Riku upstairs. He was amazed by the sheer size of the house. It was large and open, but lacked any of the hominess of his own house. Oh, and apparently his parents didn't exist here. Instead he was conceived in a Mako-induced orgasm. That just _had _to mess with your genes somehow.

Riku was overcome with disbelief for at least the thousandth time that day when his double showed him his room. It lacked any color whatsoever but for the red lamp that sat on his nightstand. It was all very monochromatic, as though anything with color would draw him out of his perpetual depression.

There was one thing that struck Riku as strange beyond all the others, and he couldn't help but point it out.

"You painted. Your window. Black."

"Yeah, so? Whatever, I do what I want. My parents can't control me," Emo!Riku did an emo flip with his bangs. "If I saw a red door, I'd paint that black too."

Brick wall. Forehead. _Bam_.

"Oh, and I had them soundproofed for uh, you know… when Sora visits…" continued Emo!Riku.

"Did you."

"He's so sweet and innocent. I love corrupting his simple mind," he sighed. "Mm… Sometimes I just can't resist my precious little uke."

Riku didn't know what an 'uke' was, but decided that he was happier in his ignorance.

"Look, dude, I know you're my twin and everything, but do you think you could leave me alone? I know I have to be nice to you and everything, but I'm really digging some As I Lay Dying, and that's some really deep stuff that's best listened to by yourself. Father said you could have the bedroom down the hall and to the left. So get some sleep or whatever. But I need my time of reflection right now if I want to go to bed without crying tonight."

"Um, yeah, sure," Riku was glad to be rid of him.

He found the guest room, happy for a relatively normal place to relax for the first time since he had arrived on the strange world. Riku turned on off the light and flopped down on the bed, taking in the comfort and silence of not having to deal with the people on this world for a few hours.

_Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom._

Riku groaned and put his pillow over his head. "Stop playing shitty music!" he yelled, knowing his attempt was in vain. He closed his eyes, hoping for the solace of even a few hours of sleep.

* * *

The alarm went off far too early for Sora's liking. He slowly unzipped his sleeping bag and stumbled into the bathroom. Two hours of sleep; this wasn't going to go over well. Stupid!Sora had kept him up all night, talking about how exciting it was to have a brother to share his room with, about how they were going to be the best of friends, about the ever-so-slightly disturbing details of his life…

Emo!Riku picked them up in his car, a black 1964 Mustang convertible. Sora was grateful to see that the Riku from his own world had sat in the back seat, eager for normalcy. He climbed in and gave him a tired yet understanding smile.

"Good to see you're still alive."

Riku smirked. "Yeah, you too."

They were able to talk freely, since Emo!Riku's obnoxious music drowned out their voices to those in the front seats.

"I hardly got any sleep last night," Riku yawned. "I thought everything was going to be okay because they gave me the guest room, but he played his music so loud that that it kept me awake."

Sora snorted. "At least you didn't have to share a room with him. This Sora didn't shut up 'til four in the morning. Kept going on about the most inane things in the world."

"Hmm…" Riku mused. "Did you notice anything weird about your parents?"

Sora shook his head. "Not really, I mean my mom was overly nice and my dad was kind of an ass, but other than that they were the same people."

"Wow. Must be nice."

"Oh no…" Sora frowned. "What's wrong with yours?"

"Well, there's the minor detail that Sephiroth is my father…" It seemed Riku was trying to pass it off as nonchalantly as he could, to no avail.

"_What?_" Sora exclaimed. "How the hell did _that _happen?"

"Ah, that's not even the best part of the story," Riku laughed bitterly. "This Riku doesn't have a mother. Never has. Cloud Strife gave birth to him."

Sora's expression was one of complete confusion and disbelief. "That's impossible."

"Here it's not."

"But Cloud and Sephiroth are _enemies_."

"I know."

"That's the single most fucked up thing I've ever heard," Sora shook his head, trying to rid himself of the horrible mental image.

They spent the rest of the car ride in silence. Sora was lost in his own thoughts of how that new piece of information just made everything a little more obnoxious and complicated. When they arrived at school, he wasn't entirely sure he could withstand another day among his so-called peers.

The Kairis hadn't ridden to school with them, as Bitchy!Kairi had received a brand new Beetle for her birthday and took every opportunity to drive it. They agreed to meet in the cafeteria before first period to discuss what to do about their situation. Sora and Riku took a seat at one of the tables and waited for her arrival.

"Uh, hey guys…"

Sora thought his eyes were going to bug out of his head. He could tell by her shy smile that this was their Kairi and not her pathetic look-alike, but her appearance alone warranted jaw drops from the two boys. She was dressed in a jean miniskirt and a lacy, yellow cami that showed about as much cleavage as possible before it was considered public indecency. Red locks fell to her shoulders in loose ringlets, and her face was made up so extravagantly that she almost didn't look like the same person.

"Uh… Kairi…"

"Wow… you…"

"No, not a word out of you two," she snapped, taking a seat at the table. "She wouldn't let me out of the house until I looked like a total slut. We're not talking about this, okay? I was up all night going through the makeover from hell. I hope you two have a game plan, because right now I'm running on zero sleep and two cups of coffee."

Sora shrugged helplessly. He hadn't really thought about it. Stupid!Sora commanded so much energy and attention that he hadn't been able to give much thought to what they were going to do with their unfortunate situation.

Thankfully for Sora, he was let off the hook with Riku's suggestion. "Why don't we check out the library? You know, find out some information on this world. We can see how it ticks."

"That's not a bad idea," agreed Sora.

On their way to the library they passed several people they recognized should not have been on their world. Pence stood in front of his locker, stuffing a breakfast sandwich in his mouth. Olette gossiped outside of her classroom with Tifa, of all people. Shouldn't she have been a little old to be in high school?

As he entered the library, Sora stopped in his tracks, suspicious. Something was wrong. Instead of housing books, the stacks were littered with papers that were haphazardly stapled together with no reason or logic behind how they were ordered. The signs that hung above each section were not the kind Sora had seen in other libraries. In fact, many of the words were foreign to his vocabulary. _Yaoi. Yuri. Het. Mpreg. Rape. Suicide: Character Death. All of the Above._

"What's wrong with this place?" whispered Sora as he walked over to one of the stacks and picked up one of the poorly-stapled manuscripts. The moment his eyes glanced upon the paper, he wished his eyes could unsee what he had read.

* * *


	6. The Burning of the Fanfics

I figured you guys might need a REAL author's note here first, just so you know I haven't completely lost my mind.

Warning: There's a sufficient amount of (purposely) badly-written yaoi in this chapter. I subjected myself to writing it, so even if you don't like it (which, if you're sane, you won't) you should probably read it because I'm trying to get an important point across.

Also, this is probably what the story would look like if it were a stealth parody.

* * *

**Chapter Six: The Burning of the Fanfics**

_(A/N): Hiiii so looks like I'm writing a new fic! Its gonna be Soriku, AkuRoku, Cleon, Zemyx, CloudSeph, and anything else I can think of! WARNING YAOI NO YURI CAUSE THAT'S GROSS I'M NOT A LESBIAN YOU SICKO! DON'T LIKE DON'T READ!!!! _

_K IM DONE. _

_Chapter 1: Love at first sight_

_The first time Sora looked at Riku he knew he was in love. It was the way his perfect hair fell onto manly shoulders and the way his eyes scowled at everything they saw. Sora wanted to wrap his small, feeble, weak, tiny hands around Riku and give him a big hug and be protected against all the bad stuff he knew. They had known eachother for at least five years now and they were best friends but Sora's feelings went unsaid because he thought Riku would reject him because Riku was so tall and manly and powerful and strong and Sora was a weak little uke bitch that noone could ever love._

_Little did he know that Riku loved him back. Riku loved that precious, innocent boy with every ounce of his cold heart. He was really obvious about it but Sora never caught any of it cause he's stupid._

"_Sora your ass looks really hot in those jeans today" said Riku._

"_EWWW, Riku, you big perv!!!" Sora turned beet red. "Why would you say something like that?!?!?"_

"_Because its true," he inched closer to the small boy. "You know you're the sexist thing I've ever seen. I love you so much Sora I always have."_

"_R-r-really, Riku-kun?" Sora's bottom lip trembled as Riku moved closer to him. He pushed him against the wall and held onto Sora's tiny shoulders pressing his lips to Sora's pouting and trembling ones._

"_Mmf," said Sora as he tensed up. He'd never been kissed before, but Riku was a rampant Sex God so he knew exactly what he was doing to the innocent boy. When Riku pulled away Sora looked at him with big chibi eyes that sparkled with his youth._

"_R…Riku-kun," Sora pouted. "Wha…"_

"_I told you my precious Sora," Riku's voice was the most suave thing ever. "I love you."_

"_I… I love you too Riku…"_

_He pulled the small boy into another kiss and wrapped his arms around him. He had his love at last._

* * *

"Ouch, my already questionable sexual orientation!" Sora stared at the manuscript in complete disbelief. Luckily, because this world was built on conveniences, neither Riku nor Kairi heard him. "What _is _this? What did they _do _to me?"

"Huh? What is it?" asked Kairi. He handed her the folio reluctantly, refusing to make eye contact with her until she was done with the first page.

"Oh… Wow, that's really bad," she frowned, handing it off to Riku.

"But sadly it makes sense, at least in the context of this world," said Sora. "I'm not like that, but _this _Sora is. You don't think these manuscripts have anything to do with how this world works, do you?"

"I think that's a definite possibility," Kairi agreed. "I mean, that person in the Organization coat told us this world exists because of badly-written, fan-made stories. Maybe this is where they're housed."

"So get rid of the stories, get rid of the world?" Sora frowned. "That'd leave us floating out in space, wouldn't it?"

"Hmm…" she pondered. "I don't know if it would get rid of the world altogether, but maybe it'd make these people less insane."

"Maybe," shrugged Sora. "What d'you think, Riku? Uh, Riku?"

Riku was so heavily immersed in the shocking piece of literature that he barely heard Sora. As Sora glanced over his shoulder to observe the manuscript once again, he discovered a disturbing piece of information. Riku had continued on to the second chapter.

Overcome with surprise, Sora yanked the sloppily stapled pile of papers from Riku's hand. "What're you doing?"

Riku shook his head, swallowing. "I just… couldn't stop reading. As much as I wanted to look away, as horrible as it was, I just had to go on."

"It's okay, Riku," Kairi patted him on the shoulder. "I'm sure other sane people have done the same thing. It's okay as long as you don't get carried away."

"I wonder what some of these other stories are about," Sora reached for another manuscript. "This one's called 'Kairi the Bitch Finally Dies'."

* * *

_Author's Note: OK sooo I hate Kairi don't you? Wouldn't it be awesome if she just DIED?!_

_Kairi was an ugly person with stringy red hair and a pig nose. Nobody liked her on the island. Selphie was nice to her because she felt bad but she hated the bitch just as much as everyone else. Wakka and Tidus were always thinking of new ways to torment her like throwing crabs in her hair, putting ipecac in her food, and pretending to like her and dump her the next day just to humiliate her._

_Riku hated her most of all especially when she tried to spend lots of time with his best friend Sora. They were dating and Sora was in love with her and everything but Kairi had a secret. She was pregnant with Sora's baby. She didn't want the baby so she got an abortion. This made Sora really really upset and his friends were afraid he would try to kill himself._

_Because Sora was so upset, Riku, Tidus, Selphie, and Wakka came up with a plan to get rid of Kairi forever and relieve Sora of his pain. _

"_Hey Kairi," said Wakka from the pier one day. "Look there's a mirror on the ocean floor right there."_

"_Ooh, a MIRROR!" she freaked out because she thought she was so pretty and amazing. So she jumped into the water and looked at herself in the mirror from the bottom of the ocean. Then Tidus, Wakka, Selphie, and Riku jumped in and held her underwater till the bitch stopped breathing._

_Sora was finally free and everyone was happy she was dead._

* * *

Kairi's jaw dropped. "Why do they _hate _me so much? What did I ever do to them?"

Sora shrugged. "I have no idea why they'd write something so horrible about you. I mean, the one about me was awful, but at least they _like _me. How _else _have the desecrated us? Let's see… we've got 'Kingdom Hearts the Romance Files', note the missing colon in that sentence, 'Axel and Roxas's Summer of Love', 'Every Heart Must Hunger: A Zemyx Angstfest', 'Namine Bonsai's Secret'--"

"For the love of my sanity, _stop_," Riku interrupted. He grabbed the stack of manuscripts and shoved them back on the shelf. "We have to do something about this… menace to society."

"But what're we going to do?" asked Sora.

Kairi flashed a rare, evil smirk at the two boys. Sora knew when she sported this expression, something was up.

"Oh no… What are you plotting?" Riku groaned.

She emitted a cynical chuckle. "Fandom effigy."

* * *

Riku didn't really know what Kairi meant by a fandom effigy, but they agreed that it would be best to withhold their plan of destruction until nightfall. After all, it would be a bit difficult to sneak all of those horribly-written manuscripts out of the library in broad daylight.

So he would have to subject himself to another day of hell in Destiny High. Except today there wouldn't be any cutting classes deviating from the rules. Oh no, Kairi had said, if they were going to pull this off, they would have to behave like perfect little angels for the entire day. That's why he found himself sitting in first period English with Sora. Much to Kairi's dismay, she had been separated from the two of them and was currently suffering through biology.

"I wonder who our teacher is," mused Riku. "Wanna make bets?"

"Hmm… My money's on somebody from the Organization," Sora tapped his fingers on the desk.

"Zexion's the only one who'd make sense for an English teacher, and apparently he's _our _age in this world," said Riku. "I'm kinda hoping it's Merlin, actually. He's a Renaissance man."

"I don't know if Merlin's right for English though," Sora argued. "I bet it's Aerith. That wouldn't be so bad."

Unfortunately for Riku and Sora, they were incredibly wrong in their assumptions about both the identity and level of obnoxiousness that their English teacher would bring to their lives. A meek Aerith? No. An eccentric Merlin? If only. Oh no, they were going to have to sit through an hour and twenty minutes of an overly-flamboyant and suggestive Squall Leonhart.

"Why, hello, class!" he strutted into the room in tight leather pants and a light blue shirt that accentuated each of his finely-toned muscles. "And how are we on this lovely day?"

Riku died a little for the ten thousandth time that morning.

"Great, Mr. Leonhart!" an enthusiastic student shouted from the front row. Bitchy!Kairi. Riku had forgotten she had first period English. Was she sucking up because she had skipped the previous class?

"That's absolutely _wonderful _to hear, Miss Kairi," he grinned. "Now, class, if you'll pay attention, it's my privilege to welcome two… _haha_… familiar faces to our class. Meet Sora and Riku's twins, Sora and Riku!"

They were greeted with a murmured "welcome" from the more awake students in the class, but no one seemed to find their odd situation of much interest. Leon quickly moved into the curriculum of his class and handed a reading list to Riku and Sora.

"No…" whispered Sora as he read over the list. "This… It can't be…"

"What's wr--" Riku was speechless as his own eyes met the paper.

_English 301: Fall Semester_

_Twilight - Stephanie Meyer_

_My Immortal - Tara Gilesbie_

_Gossip Girl - Cecily von Ziegesar_

_Eragon - Christopher Paolini_

Riku couldn't read any more. It was far too painful.

Sora cleared his throat. "Sorry, but is this _seriously _our reading list? I mean, shouldn't we be reading the classics or something?"

"I'm afraid I don't understand the question," said Leon. "These _are _classics despite how new they are. Why, they're shaping the literary landscape into something new and exciting! Isn't that _thrilling_?"

Man, even Emo!Riku was reading the Catcher in the Rye. He hated to think of what this said about Leon.

"Today," Leon said, conveniently dropping a dry-erase marker on the ground as he moved to write on the board. He leaned down to pick up the marker, pulling off a Bend and Snap that even the likes of Elle Woods would have envied. "We will be studying the amazingly dynamic relationship between Edward and Bella. It has been compared by great scholars to be the stuff of legend, at the same level and Guinevere and Arthur, of Romeo and Juliet."

Riku knew that the sound of forehead-hitting-desk was the exasperation of a Sora with nothing left to live for.

* * *

Sora didn't know how it happened, but they managed to survive an entire day at Destiny High. It was total, unadulterated hell complete with classes that made no sense, students who fit perfectly into every teenage stereotype known to man, and teachers who were so far removed from their original selves that not even a shadow of their true personality was visible.

He knew it would be difficult to sneak out of the house with Stupid!Sora's addiction to caffeine keeping him up at all hours of the night, but he had a plan. Unethical, perhaps, but times were desperate. In this awful situation he couldn't be expected to play by the rules. While Stupid!Sora was at Blitzball practice, he took it upon himself to hide all of the caffeinated products that were stashed in his room. He emptied one of the more disgusting energy drinks and replaced its contents with a double dose of NyQuil. When Stupid!Sora returned home, he was astounded by the lack of caffeine in his room, but easily believed Sora when he told him that he must have finished them without realizing it. Stupid!Sora quickly chugged the small can that sat on his desk, and was in a drug-induced sleep not fifteen minutes later. Now all Sora had to do was wait.

The hours before he was supposed to meet Riku and Kairi dragged on into eternity. He found himself rummaging through Stupid!Sora's CD collection (which included albums that could be considered crimes against humanity -- N-Sync, Creed, Hinder, and Clay Aiken), flipping through TV stations that contained a vast amount of anime, and finally succumbing himself to reading the required chapter of _Twilight _for the next day. After hours of anticipation, it was finally time to put their mission into action.

He arrived at the back of the school at exactly one o'clock AM, and had to wait mere seconds before Riku and Kairi showed up.

"You'd better have a good plan," said Riku as he peered into the dimly-lit corridors of Destiny High.

"Of course I do," Kairi smiled. "Sora, would you like to do the honors?"

Sora grinned, summoning his Keyblade for the first time since they had entered this world. He pointed it at he door and unlocked its feeble chain.

They crept down the hallways and toward the library, the moonlight their only guidance. Kairi stopped at the janitor's closet and removed several garbage bags.

"Where are we going to throw these away that no one will notice?" asked Sora.

"We're not throwing anything away," Kairi smirked. "Keep in mind what I said, Sora. Fandom _effigy_. What do people do with effigies?"

"_Burn _them," he grinned.

And what a wonderful fire it would make. They loaded the pages into countless bags and dragged them onto a secluded beach where no one would notice the flames. When they had finished dumping the papers into a gigantic pile, Sora stepped back and admired their work. It didn't look anything like Guy Fawkes, but the idea behind their actions shined through.

Kairi took a pack of matches out of her pocket and struck one up. She stared at the little flame for a moment before throwing it into the pile of papers. Sora's smile was slightly evil as he watched the papers go up in flames, burning and smoldering in the salty breeze.

"This is it," said Riku. "It's finally over."

Sora returned to his doppelganger's house that night with the scent of campfire lingering in his hair, but he doubted anyone would notice. That night he slept soundly in his sleeping bag, wondering what the morning would bring.

* * *

"SoraSoraSoraSoraSora WAKE UP!"

"Mmf…"

"C'mon, Other Me! We haveta get to school! Riku's gonna be here in fifteen minutes!"

"Ugh… Alright, I'm getting up…"

He droned lazily into the bathroom and got ready in record time. By the time Emo!Riku's car pulled up, he was running a comb through shower-dampened hair.

Sora gave Riku a tired, knowing smile as he climbed into the car. He was in bright spirits despite the fact that Underoath was currently making his ears wish they could commit suicide.

They met Kairi in the cafeteria, but she didn't seem nearly as enthused as they were.

"Guys… I have to show you something," she said, a worried expression on her brow.

"What's wrong?" Riku asked.

She led them through the halls and back to the library, swinging open the doors to allow them a full view of the room.

There, lining the shelves, were thousands upon thousands of papers, all strewn about haphazardly in the same manner as they were the previous day. It was as though their efforts had accomplished nothing at all.

* * *

So I struggled about which way to go with Leon. It was between making him angst about every little situation possible or making him completely flamboyant. I went the latter route since I think Roxas and Emo!Riku are covering the angsting quite nicely as it is. I'll never understand the emasculation of Leon that goes on in so many fics.

If I insulted one of your favorite musicians or writers, I apologize. I may not like those bands/artists/authors, but it's all in good fun. Though considering the year is NOT 1999, it's probably not entirely appropriate to like N-Sync, especially if you're over the age of eleven.

Also, I had to bring up the "Kairi had an abortion and that's what drove she and Sora apart" thing, because I've, for some reason, seen it crop up many times. So much, in fact, that Kairi having an abortion might even be considered a cliché by now. I'm not in any way, shape, or form, attempting to express an opinion on the issue, nor am I mocking the issue itself.

Thanks for reading! And a million thanks for all the reviews I've received thus far. It makes my day to open my mailbox and see new reviews coming in. :)

I'm out; see ya for Chapter Seven!


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